Aries ( March 21 - April 19 )
Horoscopes:
Aries ( March 21 - April 19 )
- You become very jumpy about dogs . Sometimes, it almost seems like you are one of them.
Taurus ( April 19 - May 20 )
- You will lose all your teeth. Then you will become a beggar because the tooth fairy will forget about you.
Gemini ( May 21 - June 21)
- People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though - they're undoubtedly jealous.
Cancer ( June 22 - July 22 )
- Last year is the year of the Water Horse. Previous years are the year of the rabbit, the rooster, the dragon, and etc. Your lucky year isn't really lucky because you were born in the year of the ass.
Leo ( July 23 - August 22 )
- Your prayers and wishes will be answered but sadly, the answer will be "NO!".
Virgo ( August 23 - September 23 )
- Your elaborate plans are full of tricky elements that people can exploit and ruin. You are most comfortable being your normal boring self. Save the new stuff for someone who has a life.
Libra ( September 23 - October 23 )
- When people invite themselves over to your house you won't be able to shoo them away . This is mainly because you are mentally inferior to them.
Scorpio (October 24 - November 21 )
- Your next fortune cookie will say " See? We told you it taste like chicken!".
Sagittarius ( November 22 - December 21 )
- Face it, your love life sucks. I'm sorry to tell you but in the near future, you will end up as a nun or a priest. Your best bet for romance is to find a blind monkey wearing fishnet undergarments.
Capricorn ( December 22 - January 19 )
- Communicate through your art. Make sure to use more than one color of crayon when doing so. All of the best fun happens when you leave the room since you're such a big loser. You've been waiting a long time for meaningful things to happen to you, and it looks like you may have to wait a little longer.
Aquarius ( January 20 - February 18 )
- You will invent a robot and you will use it to destroy the city. You'll either do that or sleep.
Pisces ( February 19 - March 20 )
- Remember: a paranoid is someone who knows a little about what's going on. You didn't hear it from me